


without you it's hard to survive

by catching_paper_moons



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: (sort of), Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 06:06:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13541313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catching_paper_moons/pseuds/catching_paper_moons
Summary: “Miss you,” he says in English, and Mat laughs.“I’ll miss you, too,” he responds.When he gets back to BC, it’s like part of him is missing. He almost texts Tito, but–maybe that’s not the best idea. It’s not like Tito said the quote on Mat’s rib cage or anything. So he just won't say anything.





	without you it's hard to survive

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this entirely tonight all mistakes are mine! thanks to the islanders for losing and also thanks to ria for indulging my chatficcing

It’s 2012, and Mat’s at All-State, and he’s making a bunch of new friends, and he’s never been happier.

There’s this one kid, Anthony Beauvillier, and Mat hasn’t really talked to him yet, because he won’t speak English. At all. Mat’s confused, so the next time he sees him, he tries French.

“Oh, you speak it?” Anthony says excitedly, and Mat thinks it’s cute, thinks Anthony is cute. “Also, call me Tito.” 

So Mat does, and they become inseparable throughout the tournament – Mat’s the only non-Q boy who speaks fluent French – and then they have to go. Mat’s at the airport and he’s sitting next to Tito, and they’re texting instead of speaking, and all Mat can think is  _ I don’t want to go.  _ He feels like Tito might be thinking the same thing. When he gets up to go make his flight, Tito hugs him tightly. 

“Miss you,” he says in English, and Mat laughs.

“I’ll miss you, too,” he responds.

When he gets back to BC, it’s like part of him is missing. He almost texts Tito, but–maybe that’s not the best idea. It’s not like Tito said the quote on Mat’s rib cage or anything. So he just...doesn’t.

  
  


It’s 2018, and Tito’s been pining for literal years, at this point. He doesn’t think it’s changing any time soon. He’s on the Islanders, and Mat’s on the Islanders, and they live together, now that it’s Mat’s second year in the league, and Tito is well and truly dying, because now all he ever sees is shirtless Mat, or just worked out and really sweaty Mat, or brought someone home as a one night stand and now Tito is making them coffee awkwardly Mat. There’s many Mat’s. He’s extremely complex.

It’s a hard life, but he supposes it’s fine, he’ll live, and he’ll be fine. 

The boys go out after a hard win, and Tito gets stupid drunk because he deserves this after the shit he’s been putting up with, and he goes and takes a double shot of some really cold vodka. 

“Goin’ hard tonight?” Mat asks, eyebrows raised. Tito shakes his head. “That was a double shot you just took, you know that, right?” 

“I do know this,” Tito shoots back, and Mat laughs, hands raised in the “surrender” position. 

“Alright, Tito.” He knocks shoulders with Tito and goes to find Ebs. Tito’s shoulder still tingles from the contact, and he feels his stomach warm with delight–or maybe that’s the alcohol. Either way, he looks at Mat, looks at the rest of the guys, and sits down, opening his phone. 

“Hey, odds I text my ex and tell him he sucks,” Tito says, and Mat spits out half his drink onto the table.

“Oh my god,” Josh says. “Fucking do it.”

“Beau, don’t,” Nick says at the same time. Tito’s typing furiously, and Nick groans. “Oh my god.” 

“Are you...oh my god,” Mat says, leaning his chin on Tito’s shoulder. He laughs, loud and bright and Tito smiles; it’s the best thing he’s heard all day.

“Aaand...sent,” he says, smiling cheekily. Mat laughs even harder, and Nick’s jaw drops. “Yes?”

“You’re unreal,” Mat says, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I’m best friends with a French lunatic.” He’s laughing still, and Nick is saying something and making Josh crack up, but Tito’s entire body feels cold. He can’t...he can’t move, it’s like he’s frozen. 

“I’m just...gonna.” He points at the bathroom, getting up and moving quicker than he should be able to. He pulls the sleeve of his shirt down over his shoulder, and looks, and sure enough. “I can’t believe I’m friends with a French lunatic” is written into his skin. He feels like he’s going to throw up, and his head is swimming. He can’t breathe, he can’t–

“You okay?” Mat asks, and Tito’s head snaps up. Mat’s frowning. “You ran out of there real quick. You feeling okay?” He reaches up to touch Tito’s forehead, and Tito flinches. Mat’s immediate reaction is hurt, but he schools his expression.

“No, I...I’m sorry,” he says. He takes a deep breath. “I think I just need to go home.” 

“Did he respond?” Mat asks, reaching for Tito’s phone. “Or is it just the fact that you did it freaking you out?” He hands Tito his phone and grabs his hand. “Come on, bud, let’s get you home.” Tito feels his entire body shiver at the contact. He follows Mat out as they wait for the Uber, and thinks  _ God, am I fucked. _

  
  
He tries to look up whether or not it could be a mistake almost immediately after he gets into his own room at their apartment. His immediate Google search is fruitless – there’s nothing about mistaken soulmates or more than one person with the same quote. It’s just. Mat is...the best thing in his life, and Mat deserves the best. Tito’s just...not that.

He tries again with different words and gets an article about unrequited soulmates, and maybe...maybe that’s what this is. Because, really, Mat doesn’t deserve to be burdened with this. He can’t tell Mat that this happened. He knows he can’t tell Mat that this happened.   
So he doesn’t.

Life goes on. It’s normal, sure, but every time Mat touches him, he swears he’s on fire. Mat doesn’t notice, or if he does, he doesn’t say anything, and Tito continues to pine, as he will for the rest of his damn life. Josh calls him out, once, and Tito shoots him down.

“It’ll never happen, seriously,” Tito says. He runs his hands through his hair, taking a deep breath. “He’s not into me.” 

Josh’s jaw drops. “You’re….you’re kidding me, Beau, seriously.” Tito shakes his head, and Josh opens his mouth to say something, but Mat picks that exact moment to come back with their takeout.

“Woah, sorry, did I interrupt something?” he asks, and Tito shakes his head. Josh opens his mouth to dispute it, and Tito hits him. Mat furrows his brows.

“It’s fine, Mat,” Tito says. “Josh is just sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“Oh?” Mat asks, turning to Tito. “Are you okay? Is there something I should know?” Tito shakes his head. Mat nods. “Alright, Tito. Just let me know if you wanna talk. I know you’re pining over someone, so just. I wanna help, if I can.” 

Tito’s blood runs cold, but Mat turns to their takeout and starts distributing, so Tito figures he wasn’t talking about himself. He takes a deep breath to steady himself and ignores the pointed looks from Josh. If he’s lived this long, he’ll be fucking fine.   
  
  


They’re in the middle of a game when Tito says, “Yo, don’t worry, Barzy, I gotchu, get me the puck!” on the ice, and Mat’s been staring at those words since he was 10 fucking years old, and he’s never heard them strung together like that and his entire body just tingles. He gets hit immediately after passing Tito the puck, and Tito scores, jumping on him. 

“You fucking beauty!” he yells, and Ebs is yelling something, but Mat has the wind entirely knocked out of him. It’s like he’s underwater and everything is muffled, and Tito is the brightest thing in this goddamn arena.    


He gets back to the bench and just. He can’t fucking believe it. This entire time...and he was right, but he can’t even  _ think _ about that right now, because Tito  _ didn’t tell him _ . He looks at Tito, and Tito tilts his head, and then Mat can feel what Tito’s feeling, confusion, concern, and then it hits him even harder: a wall of anxiety. There’s one thought he can pick out from this, and it’s  _ he knows _ .

He doesn’t even know who thinks it, first, but his thoughts and Tito’s are running together, and they can’t connect for anything else. Weight is pissed and benches their line for two shifts, and Ebs knocks into him.

“Hey, get your head out of your ass, and start playing the fucking game,” he says, and Mat nods, but he’s been struggling to breathe ever since he found this out, and he can’t tell if that’s his own anxiety or if it’s Tito’s. They don’t score again, and they get their goal taken away, and lose 7-0.   


They get into the locker room and he’s angry, he’s pissed, they got shut the fuck out, and he can’t think of anything other than Tito knew and didn’t say  _ anything _ . Tito tries to talk to him, but all Mat can bite out is, “Not here,” and Tito seems to get it and leaves him alone. Mat can’t feel him anymore, suddenly, and he feels like part of him is missing.   


The drive back to the apartment is silent, and for once Mat is glad Tito drove so he can be alone with his thoughts. He can barely wrap his head around any of this. He’s considerably less angry than he was earlier, but still so,  _ so  _ hurt he can barely breathe. This is so integral to who they are. He thinks, not for the first time, that Tito must not love him.   


“No, that’s not it,” Tito says in quiet, whispered French, reading Mat’s mind. Mat wasn’t expecting him to respond out loud, but he looks over and Tito is resolutely staring at the road. “I promise you that’s not it.”    


Mat wants to say, “Then what?” but he can’t get it out. He waits until they’re at their apartment to even try and speak to Tito, afraid he’ll cry. They walk in and drop their bags and Mat turns around. His voice is already shaking and his throat is tight when he says, “Do I mean fucking nothing to you?”   


“No, my god, Mat,” Tito says, and he looks fucking broken, like Mat’s already broken his heart and left it for dead, stomped all over it and thrown it in a dumpster. “I love you so incredibly much that I don’t even know how to say it.” Tito’s wringing his hands and Mat feels intense sadness coming from him. Mat’s only emotion is confusion.   


“Then what, Tito? What’s the problem?” He steps closer and Tito steps back, and Mat feels like he’s going to vomit. It’s so eerily reminiscent of that time at the bar after Tito had texted his ex, and suddenly Mat knows what happened, that night. “What are you scared of?” he asks. Mat’s breathing is getting shallower.   


Tito takes a deep breath, and it’s shaky, like he can’t get himself under control. He takes another, and Mat realizes he’s crying. Tito’s crying, and Mat feels like he’s out of his wheelhouse yet entirely in control with him, in a way he never has.    


“Anthony, baby,” he says, the words coming out before he can stop them. He can’t bring himself to care. He’s reaching for Tito and pulling him into a hug. The touch between them is fucking electric. “What are you scared of?” he asks again. He smooths Tito’s hair out of his face, trying to calm them both.   


“You not loving me,” Tito says quietly into mat’s shoulder.  He takes a deep breath again, and a whimper comes out instead. Mat squeezes gently. “I’m not anything and you’re  _ Mat Barzal _ . I have nothing to offer you.” He tries to pull away, but Mat holds him tighter. He’s still crying.    


“Jesus christ,” Mat says in French, and it’s quiet, like Tito wasn’t meant to hear it. He can’t tell where he ends and Mat begins, anymore. “Anthony Beauvillier, what the fuck.”   


“I just–-”   


“No, hang on. I’ve loved you for six years and you’re afraid of me not loving you?” Mat pulls back so he can look Tito in the eyes. He strokes Tito’s cheeks with his thumbs, cupping Tito’s face. Mat thinks he might kiss him. Tito thinks Mat is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. “What are you saying, right now?”   


Tito looks at the ground. “I’m...you’re just, you’re everything, and I’m just me. I don’t understand why you would love me. I don’t deserve you.” Mat shakes his head, like he’s just heard something unbelievable.   


“No. No, fuck that,” Mat says, and he kisses Tito, holding Tito’s face like it’s something precious, like  _ Tito  _ is precious, and Tito starts to cry. Objectively, it’s a terrible first kiss, because Tito’s tears are falling and he can’t stop them, but Mat pulls back and thumbs them away, kissing Tito’s forehead. “I think I decide what I deserve. I want you. You’re the best thing in my life.” It’s something Tito has thought many times, and it makes him cry harder. Mat kisses his forehead.   


Tito shakes his head, starting to argue, but Mat cuts him off. “How can I convince you, baby?” he says. Tito’s breath hitches. “How can I show you that you’re everything to me? Always have been, always will be.”   


“You sound like you’re something out of a movie,” Tito says, and Mat laughs a little. “You’re... _ god _ , Mat. I love you so much. I just didn’t think I could have this.” he’s shivering, and Mat rubs his arms. “Didn’t think I could have you.”   


“You can,” Mat murmurs, and Tito lets out a sob. “Hey. I’m all yours.”   


Tito leans in, kissing him, and Mat makes a surprised noise, but before Tito can pull away, he kisses back. The kiss is slow, languid. Tito takes his time exploring Mat’s mouth, trying to find what makes him tick and what doesn’t. He tangles his fingers in Mat’s hair, and Mat moans a little, and Tito’s brain goes crazy. It makes Mat giggle, and Tito thinks he’s never heard a sweeter sound. He pulls back, but Mat just pulls him closer, not wanting a single part of them to not be touching.    


“No, no, just.” He kisses Tito again. “ _G_ _od_ you’re beautiful.” Tito’s breath hitches again, and he laughs. Mat frowns, pulling back this time. “No, hey, seriously.” Tito can’t read Mat, right now, but he thinks Mat is a little upset. He tries to placate him.   


“I don’t get it,” Tito says, and Mat frowns harder. “Not that I don’t believe you!” he adds hastily. “I just don’t...” he trails off, words not coming to him. He makes a vague handwavey motion, and Mat just nods. He’s clearer now, to Tito. Tito loves him.   


“Okay,” he says, kissing Tito again. “I’ll tell you every day ‘til you believe me, then.” Tito laughs, and Mat furrows his brows. “ _ Anthony. _ ”   


“ _ Mathew _ , be serious,” Tito shoots back, and Mat pulls him impossibly closer, rubbing circles into Tito’s hip. Tito feels like his entire body is on fire.   


“I’ve never been more serious,” he says, and Tito shakes his head again. “No, baby, you know me. Look at me,” he orders, pushing Tito’s chin up so he’s looking right at him. “I’m so incredibly serious about this. I’m honored to be your soulmate. And I’m in love with you.” Mat looks so earnest and sweet, and Tito feels like he could cry again, but.   


Something clicks for him, then, and he kisses Mat with more fervor than before. Mat picks him up underneath his legs, and it makes Tito laugh into Mat’s mouth, which makes Mat laugh. “God,” he breathes, and Mat presses their foreheads together, their noses brushing.   


“What?” he mumbles against Tito’s mouth, but Tito shakes his head again, so Mat carries him into his bedroom, still kissing him. He sets Tito on the bed. “Fuck, Tito, I...” he trails off, looking at Tito, at the site in front of him. He laughs to himself. “ _ God _ , you’re beautiful. I’m so fucking lucky.” His voice is hushed, like this moment is precious. Tito can tell they’re both overwhelmed with emotions, because Mat’s eyes are glassy, and Tito feels like he’s going to sob again.   


Tito laughs again, quietly. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world, getting to be yours,” he says, and then Mat is on top of him, then, kissing him until Tito can’t remember his own name. “Fuck,” Tito bites out, and Mat sucks a bruise into his collarbone, and then he pulls back, biting Tito’s lower lip.

“I love you,” he says, and he unbuttons Tito’s shirt, pulling it off, and tugs at his pants. “Off,” he says. It’s like he can’t take them not touching anymore, and Mat pulls back, unbuttoning his own shirt as Tito takes his pants off. “God,  _ Anthony _ .”

“I love you, too,” Tito says into Mat’s mouth as Mat entirely takes him apart. He can’t think anything but  _ Mathew, Mathew, Mathew,  _ and his entire body feels like it’s on fire. Mat kisses his way down Tito’s chest, and sucks a bruise on Tito’s hipbone, and god, he’s going to die. 

Tito comes, eventually, his entire body arching, and he can’t think of anything but Mat. Mat flops next to him for a moment. “Okay?” he asks, in French, and Tito laughs. It’s not self-deprecating, like the other ones had been, and Mat kisses his forehead. “I’m assuming that’s a yes.” Tito just kisses him in response.   


 

Later, Mat’s in the bathroom grabbing a washcloth, and Tito is curled up in Mat’s bed. He’s thinking this is a dream, this has to be a dream, over and over again. He’s just so in love.  
Mat comes back, and throws the washcloth at him, which startles Tito out of his stupor and makes him giggle. Mat smiles at him, biting his lip. It’s almost shy, which is not something Mathew Barzal is known to be. “It’s not a dream, Anthony,” he says. He’s already in pajamas, and crawling in next to Tito, and Tito feels euphoric. Mat reaches for the washcloth, saying, “Let me?” and Tito literally cannot believe how lucky he is. “Me too,” Mat says, kissing his forehead. He cleans him up gently, and Tito is almost lulled to sleep.  


Mat gets up and it feels sudden. Tito makes a disapproving noise, and Mat laughs quietly. “I'll be right back,” he promises, and his promise is held—he comes back with pajamas for Tito. Tito gets up to put them on and gets right back into bed with Mat, curling into his side. Mat’s stroking his hair, and the gentle rhythm of it eventually syncs with Tito’s heartbeat.   


“I love you,” Tito breathes out, and it’s so quiet he doesn’t know if Mat even heard. Mat kisses his forehead lightly, just a ghost of a touch, and Tito leans into him more. Mat kisses his forehead again.   


“I love you too,” Mat says, and they lay there until they fall asleep.

  
  


Tito wakes up in the morning, and Mat is curled into him, face pressed into his neck. Tito swallows his fear, remember what happened last night, but he must not tamp it down quick enough, because Mat shifts, blinking slowly.

“You okay?” he mumbles into Tito’s neck, pressing a light kiss there. Tito’s heart rate slows, and Mat hums, sounding content. “That’s better.”

“Yeah, ‘m okay, baby,” he replies, and he feels Mat smile into his neck.

“Good,” Mat says, tracing a finger over his words. “Good.”

Good doesn’t even begin to describe how Tito feels.   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> untagged characters: Josh Ho-Sang, Nick Leddy, Doug Weight, Jordan Eberle.
> 
> Thanks for reading!! <3


End file.
